Everyone in the world is getting sarcastic. It's not just comedians anymore. Years ago, sarcasm was reserved for people talking to people stupider than them. Now the stupids are fighting back, and doing it so badly, you can't trust anything people say anymore. Here's a true story that might show you what I mean. I was sitting in a local Starbucks, silently reading a book, and a man came in asking for a double diet frapacheeny decaf ventie something. The guy behind the counter said, "Ooooh... we're out of that."
Man: "Oh. Well then I'll have..."
Starbucks: "Ha ha ha, I was being SARCASTIC. We have [whatever]."
Man: "Okay. I'll take one then."

After the man left, the people who worked there wiped their sense off on their aprons and called the guy an idiot. An idiot for believing what the coffee kid told him. If believing things that clerks say makes a person an idiot, then that makes every person on the planet an idiot, including me, and that's medically impossible. I was a little confused at the time, but I didn't ask the brilliant kid wiping the counter to explain it to me. On the ride home I realized it was funny because he said he didn't have the thing, but he really did have the thing*. All that man had to do to know it was a joke was sneak in the back to check the shop's inventory, make sure all their machines were working, and get back out as silent as the night. That coffee-ordering man really was an idiot. It proves the theory that the only true geniuses we have left are the people doing inventory at Starbucks.

*There are variations on this gag. You might pull up to a gas station some day and the attendant will say "Sorry, pal! We're out of gas!" It's a good one. In fact, I might start keeping an empty gas tank in my house just for when I need a good laugh. Not having gas is hilarious! It's killing me! There's still no gas in the tank! Every time I check I laugh!

Dinner rolls and a comic book. . . that'll be ONE MILLION DOLLARS, please! Ha ha ha ha ha ha. I'm just kidding.

I've figured out how the world got so uncontrollably sarcastic. It's warning labels. Everything we buy is covered in directions and warnings so ridiculous that the only people who could benefit from them have no prayer of actually being able to read them. How can you not be sarcastic when the packaging material in your stereo tells you it's not food? There are things the size of a football that are legally obligated to call themselves choking hazards. I understand babies love to eat matchbox cars, but if something's more than a foot wide, it shouldn't say "CHOKING HAZARD." It should say, "GO AHEAD AND TRY TO EAT THIS, MR. BIGMOUTH."

You almost can't pick a product up without laughing out loud. A plastic bag will tell you not to put it in an infant's playpen. A bottle of detergent might tell you not to eat it. Who the hell thought I was going to eat detergent? "Honey, this makes our glasses spot-free, and I bet it tastes great on a cracker!" Do the plastic bag manufacturers picture us standing around a playpen and deciding whether or not to decorate our babies' cribs with plastic bags?

Wife: "You know, sweetheart, it looks like the baby's crib needs a few more plastic bags."
Husband: "That's right, honey. And if we covered the entire bottom in choking hazard brand plastic bags, we wouldn't have to change the sheets for weeks! We could just tip the crib and let all that time-consuming babymess drain drain! drain!! away from our memories!"
Wife: "All that sheet changing. All that cleaning. How did we ever get by without plastic bag bedding?"
Husband: "Plus, they make a great dental dam to keep those sores of yours off my face!"

We don't listen to warning labels, and I can prove it. On every pack of cigarettes, it TELLS YOU IT'S GOING TO KILL YOU. This isn't a warning label on a plastic bag that was written by some guy at the plastic bag factory. The warning on cigarettes comes from the Surgeon General. The Surgeon General is a doctor. In fact, they're the supreme commander of doctors. If doctors were to start a war against the bowlers or the bird watchers, the Surgeon General would have the biggest hat and stand at the back of the army shouting, "Hold the line, men! Take two of these FISTS and call me in the morning!" Read the pack of cigarettes. If the Surgeon General tells you something might kill you and give your future kids extra toes and eyes, listen to him. Do you need a warning from the Surgeon Jesus before you start taking advice?

There are other reasons everyone's turning sarcastic. Have you ever had a friend who gives you obvious advice? You'll be over at their house putting their pets in the microwave, and he'll say "Hey, if you need to use my microwave, hit the amount of time you want to cook the thing, and then hit start." You'll probably say, "Duh" or "No crap, Captain Microwave Handbook," but you shouldn't be mad at your friend. Eighty percent of the people they or you run into need help with things like microwaves and what's okay to rub into your skin. We've been breeding stupid people for generations. They're notoriously fertile [the stupid].

I think it's genius that a deadly plastic bag is only one thermos full of air away from becoming a life-saving device for at home or on vacation. Whoever came up with the idea is probably smarter than the dude that knows how much coffee Starbucks has in the back. So next time one of your family members is sleeping, take the necessary precautions. Put a few plastic bags over their head. Because you never know when a fire will start, and it's best to always be prepared.

Murray: "Life is hard here at the bag factory. Hey wait. Check this out, Mike. I think if we take the warnings off these things, we can sell them to people to protect from smoke inhalation."

Mike: "They'll be protected from regular inhalation too. That means they'll die, Murray."

Murray: "But not from fire!"

Mike: "People with plastic bags over their head sound like this: 'hweeeeeeeeee!'"

Murray: "Ha ha ha ha ha!"

_____________________________________________________________________

So, here's my point. I challenge you to find an Ridiculous product or warning label, and write a extremely sarcastic  caption under it. For example:

Caution: Product will rob you of any sense of pride.

Or, if the product is ridiculous enough, emphasize the the statement. For example:

Do not throw solid objects at Mr. T, Fool.

I look forward to your submissions.

Last Edited on: Oct 17 2010 05:40 PM UTC (May 23 2012, 11:16am GMT)

LOL Krayt, you're brilliant! I love your post!

Because death is not enough.

"Do not drive car or operate machinery." -- On a bottle children's cough medicine.

   Well darn, guess my 6 year old can't drive himself to school anymore.

"May be harmful if swallowed." -- On a shipment of hammers

  Now how will I get my daily supply of iron?

"Remove occupants from the stroller before folding it." -- On a baby stroller.

  Can't just fold up the kid and carry him anymore...sigh.

I found a whole list at http://www.rinkworks.com/said/warnings.shtml have a good laugh when your waiting for a hotfix.

Caution: Product will make you retarded.

Because someone wanted to throw cahinsaws like they do in Halo Theft Auto of Wars 5.

Put the DeLorean back in the garage, Doc!

For those times that you want to smell like you went to a party and was the douchebag who ate all the chips:

Political cartoons: WARNING they might enlighten the public. 

I had a huge sticker on a machine at my old job that had gears ripping a and off and it said. "Dangers hands on could mean hands off" I took it and put it on my guitar lol 

Quote | Lionhearted518 posted on Nov 08 2010 08:33 AM UTC

I had a huge sticker on a machine at my old job that had gears ripping a and off and it said. "Dangers hands on could mean hands off" I took it and put it on my guitar lol 

Haha, nice.